Okay, you got me: this is not exactly "on topic" as far as nerd fandom is concerned. But I'm making an exception for the best holiday ever.
Halloween is a magical day. Spawned from an amalgamation of Samhain, a Celtic celebration of the end of the harvest, and All Hallows' Eve, the evening before All Saint's Day in the Christian faith. For nerds, it is a time to rent trashy horror movies, cosplay, and eat candy corn. (But not Indian corn. You know, the one that's like candy corn, but they replace the yellow part with a gross brown stump? And it's supposed to be chocolate and actually just tastes like candied ass? That stuff is disgusting.)
It is also a time to oggle scantily clad women. Because when playing dress-up becomes socially acceptable, the inhibitions go flying! Well, my leetle nerdlings, here is a helpful guide to identifying the prevailing archetypes of your Halloween honey.
Ladies, if you're having trouble deciding what type of costume to don, please feel free to consult this menu of fleshy possibilities and compare it against your birth chart. I'm sure that whatever you choose, the effect will be lovely. But for optimal results, it might be good to plan around your Venus sign and your Rising sign.
So, without further ado, let's tart it up!
Aries: Dominatrix
Aries, with its Mars rulership, is a very male sign, even among the other fire and air signs. It is primarily concerned with conquering through force of will. When a woman self-identifies with the Aries archetype, that martial intent manifests through the oldest feminine weapon: sexuality. And that's how we get one half of the BSM fetish. Less involved with the process of orgasm, the dominatrix gets off, and gets others off, through the practice of subjugation. So if you see any leather-clad, whip-toting wimmens around your Halloween party, they just might be an Aries. So go pick a fight if you're into that sort of thing.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Army Girl, Slutty Barbarian Chick
Taurus: Prostitute
Taurus isn't really known for its subtlety, nor its imagination (unless it's imagining some bacon or cheesecake in its belly.) Taurus does have a fine understanding of earth, however. It understands the value of a good cut of meat, and the possible mark-up. Taurus also has an eye for practical concerns, like finding a good pimp for protection, buying some sparkly bling to attract menfolk, and learning how to run in heels.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Piece of Food, Slutty Cow
Gemini: Slutty Angel and/or Slutty Devil
What a lot of folks don't get about The Twins is that they can be just as dark as they can light. After all, Gemini's focus on the intellectual leads it not only down the primrose path of accolades and Honor Rolls, but also into the filthiest corners of the internet. Sometimes feathery, sometimes leathery, Gemini doesn't like being told which side of the morality fence to live on, and in fact, they seem to have little control which of their personalities you're going to be talking to. They're cute when they're bipolar.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Famous Writer, Slutty Number Two
Cancer: Slutty Nurse
This one was a bit trickier to allocate, what with Cancer's fixation on the maternal. I don't really know of too many slutty Halloween costumes which are also motherly, though I do see girls rock the fake knocked-up belly sometimes. While nurses are not necessarily maternal, they do deal with people in the same way a mother might deal with a child. They are care-givers, more involved with providing comfort and support than with the actual "fixing" of a patient. And like motherhood, there is a certain amount of noble sacrifice that goes into this profession. After all, how would you like to wipe asses for a living? Intensely Oedipal though it mat be, sexy nurse outfits are a staple of erotica and Halloween.
We also would have accepted: Slutty MILF, Slutty Gardener
Leo: Slutty Movie Star
Leo kind of sort of sometimes likes to be in the limelight. A showman, a consummate actor, and a whore for attention, Leo's costume will tend to gravitate towards figures that are already in the public eye. Any fool can glance at a magazine and know that the ones who hold the masses in their thrall are the ones making entertainment happen. These are those that Leo will likely emulate. They are also likely to assume that identity for the remainder of the eve, and (if you're unlucky) well into the following day. Alternately, these are the assholes who will wear no costume whatsoever and claim that they've gone "as themselves." But you know, as long they dress trampy then it's all copecetic.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Rock Star, Slutty TV Actress
Virgo: Slutty French Maid
The French Maid costume is an old standard. What do I mean by that? Well, I mean, it's hot and all. But it's also kind of boring as far as sexy costumes go, isn't it? The good news it that while Virgo is practical enough to stick with what works, they're also detail-obsessed enough to keep cutting inches off the hem until they think it looks hot enough. The maid fantasy is also pretty Virgo-ish in that it seeks to make the sexy time with the person who does the shit jobs around the house. Money's on the table, Virgo.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Doctor, Slutty Waitress
Libra: Slutty Catholic School Girl
Ohh Libra, so curious and coy. A little seductress with her head in the clouds and a mouth full of half-truths, Libra rocks the sexy school girl image and rocks it well. Wherever the illicit meets the social, we are likely to find Libra, and the schoolyard is usually the first of many playgrounds for her little games. The Catholic school girl is a balancing force in a strict, morally obstinate educational structure. And the only way to introduce balance is to dirty things up a bit.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Robot, Slutty pop culture reference
Scorpio: Slutty Vampire
Some girls dream of taking you home to Mom & Pop, having some puppies, settling down next to a white picket fence. Scorpio girls dream of hypnotizing you and sucking out your life force. And as long as they keep thinking of inventive ways to handle the latter, I'm pretty okay with that. In short, Halloween (when the Sun has just entered Scorpio,) is the time when it's socially acceptable for Scorpio to let its true colors shine. If I can wrangle it, I plan to make like a Harker and get bit this year.
We also would have accepted: Elvira, Morticia, Slutty Serial Murderer
Sagittarius: Slutty Super Hero or Villain
Like Leo, Sagittarius seeks the figures that capture the attention of the public. But let's face it, a movie star is still just a person. If you're gonna play dress-up, much better to associate yourself with a larger-than-life persona to match Sag's own boundless enthusiasm. Nobody does bright, colorful, and over-the-top better than a comic book character. Now, while Sag is the most zealous placement in the zodiac, its zealotry does not necessarily makes it fight for good or for evil. But whichever side it chooses to embrace, it will do so wholeheartedly. And loudly.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Cartoon, Slutty Nun
Capricorn: Slutty Cop
With a mind centered in hierarchy and position in the world, Capricorns are often associated with cold enforcement of the laws of the world. Thus, a law enforcement official is a fine choice for a uniform...err, costume. Capricorn is a control-based sign, and the police woman fantasy is a willing surrender of control, either on the part of the detainee or the officer. Expect the dirty cops of Capricorn to utilize some peace-keeping props (handcuffs, baton, etc) for more efficient acquisition of attention.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Athlete, Slutty Corporate Scum
Aquarius: Slutty Counter Culture
Aquarius is just as concerned with the structure of the world as Capricorn. However, Aquarius seeks to change, refine, improve it – Aquarius is about social change. Unfortunately, the counter cultural groups that are often associated with cultural change can become stagnant repositories for youths looking for an "individual" identity, clinging to the same set of ideals as the rest of their little clique. For good or ill, the girls of goth, punk, the hippie movement, and other such groups are markedly Aquarian. Rather than outfitting themselves around the look of an individual, the Aquarian seeks to model themselves around the imagery of a set of ideas, usually those which are considered against the grain.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Mad Scientist, Slutty Alien
Pisces: Slutty Animal
Pisces exalts the primal. It is a sign which wants to experience all of experience itself, all the way from the height of artistic expression, all the way back to the most base and bestial source of life. Thus, the process of reverting back to animal life. Catgirls, Playboy Bunnies, whatever works for you. A Slutty Mermaid would also be a very true extension of this Piscean reversion back to the source of life – the sea itself.
We also would have accepted: Slutty Poet, Slutty Goddess
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On a personal note, Halloween is Nicky Boom Boom's birthday. So goils, give me the gift of tradition - get out there and dress in as little as you can! Guys, send booze and candy corn.
Copyright 2007, Nerdcore Astrotypes
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